Buzzard's Top Fives

Top 5 Characters in Black Library Fiction

Yeah, this one's pretty trite, but I'm desperate for something to break up the movie review posts...  This is a collection of my favorite characters of all time from my readings of the copious amounts of Black Library fiction that I have digested over the years. Keep in mind that I haven't read a third of what has been published by the various BL authors, but of what I have read, these are my favorites:

(1) Gregor Eisenhorn (Eisenhorn Trilogy): Eisenhorn is without a doubt one of the most dynamic characters ever penned by a Black Library author.  Not surprisingly, that author was the indomitable Dan Abnett.  Eisenhorn is one tough hombre, no doubt about it; he'll face down a horde of bad guys with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other, and he'll take a hundred hard knocks and keep on ticking.  But it is his fierce determinism, his brilliant deductive mind and his unflinching humanity that make him the charismatic 40k icon that he is.  He's brilliant, empathetic, tough as nails and apparently incorruptible, what more could you ask for in a hero?  While he is ostensibly a force for the ultimate good (working as an inquisitor for the Ordo Xenos), it is his drive to pursue the bad guy, no matter where that path will take him, that ultimately makes him an outcast in a world that is much more gray than the black and white that he wants it to be.  His story is both heroic, and tragic -- completely emblematic of the universe created by Games Workshop.  And unlike any of the other works created by BL, this is one series of books that you could read, and enjoy, without ever having stepped foot in this universe before. The ultimate gateway drug to GW.

(2) Brother Priad (Brothers of the Snake): Again, created by the great Dan Abnett, Brother Priad (of Damocles Squad)  is surprisingly complex for what he is.  As a space marine, Priad is a genetically engineered warrior that has undergone countless months of indoctrination and hypno conditioning until he is merely a living weapon - a fearless instrument of the Imperium to fight the many, many enemies of man.  His very purpose is to be, essentially, a lesser clone of his primarch - demi-god heroes of the dawn of the Imperium, themselves genetic offspring/clones of the immortal (yet dying) Emperor of mankind.  By all rights, this do-gooder clone warrior should be a personality-free statue of virtue and fearlessness.  And yet, Abnett gives this super-human some very human qualities that make him another easy to follow hero of the 41st millennium.  For all his stoic bravery, Priad has a curious and infinitely empathetic human soul that is laid bare on multiple occasions throughout the story. 

(3) Harlon Nayl (Eisenhorn and Ravenor Trilogies): Again, another character created by Dan Abnett.  Harlon Nayl was the swiss army knife of Inquisitor Eisenhorn's retinue (and later Inquisitor Gideon Ravenor's retinue).  A former bounty hunter, Nayl was proficient at hunting down human targets across multiple worlds, and then taking them out with a dizzying array of weapons and deadly martial arts.  More than just muscle, Nayl was infinitely reliable and had the brains to run complex operations in the field.  Essentially in charge of keeping both inquisitor's retinues stocked with able bodied warriors, Nayl was a capable and trustworthy agent.  In short, just like Chuck Norris in The President's Man, you called Nayl in to do the job when it absolutely had to be blown up by 6am the next day.  But for all of that, he was still just a mere human -- no psychic skills or aristocratic connections to fall back upon, he was just a man... a man's man if there ever was one, but just a regular guy.

(4) Jaq Draco (Inquisition War Trilogy): Long before the Black Library was more than a mythical location in GW lore, Ian Watson wrote a trilogy for GW about an inquisitor from the 'inner circle' (essentially both the black ops division of the inquisition as well as its office of internal affairs) who found a way to traverse the secret Eldar webway, broke into the actual Eldar black library, and stole the book telling about the prophecies concerning ultimate destruction of the material and immaterial realms (Rhana Dandra).  In GW mythos, that makes him incredibly bad ass, having accomplished something in less than a hundred years (much of which he spent sleeping) that the great Thousand Sons sorcerer Ahriman couldn't accomplish in 10,000.  And that's not to mention that he's a capable fighter, is sleeping with a callidus assassin, and pals around with Space Marine captains and (now extinct) squat heroes.  While he often comes across more like a swashbuckling adventurer rather than a super-secret inquisitor of the highest order, Draco has a certain panache that is fun to watch in motion.

(5) Uriel Ventris (Ultramarine Series): Now in its sixth book (I've only read four), the Ultramarines series of novels follows the life and career of Space Marine Captain (4th Company) Uriel Ventris.  Similar to another likeable Space Marine of more notable GW fame, Ragnar Blackmane, Uriel is cast out of his chapter after breaking the rules of the Codex Astartes.  (Ragnar chucked an ancient chapter artifact into the void to earn his punishment; the Space Wolves couldn't care less about the Codex Astartes.)  And also like Blackmane, Uriel ultimately earns his commission back after completing an impossible mission on a daemon world in the eye of terror.  The Ultramarines are the iconic rule followers of the Space Marines which is really saying something -- even your average Space Marine has a board implanted up his backside to keep him on the straight and narrow, and Ultramarines make most of them look like pitiful slackers.  Uriel understands that rules sometimes have to bent a little in order for the best possible outcome in a battle. (Egads!)  That makes him a bit of a rebel among his super human peers, which is kind of fun.  For a Space Marine fanboy like myself, Uriel has just enough personality to make him likeable, all the while accomplishing impossible tasks and being the ultimate warrior of the Imperium.  Good fun... although he constantly pines for a chance to prove he can keep his nose clean for faaaar too much of the series.

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top 5 Candy Bars of All Time

(1) Bar None (Hershey): My favorite candy bar from the late eighties until it was discontinued in 1993.  While it had a short run, this one sticks in my mind as the best candy bar ever from my youth.  Thin chocolaty wafers covered in peanuts and a thin coating of chocolate, this one just melted in your mouth with just enough serious crunch to make it interesting.  Ah, I miss you Bar None. (216 calories)

(2) Lion Bar (Nestle): Nope, you can't get them in the United States, but they are readily available to sweet tooths everywhere in Europe.  I discovered my love for these little goodies while at a laundry mat in England... and they quickly became my laundry day treat.  A Lion Bar is the love child between a 100 Grands and a Nestle Crunch bar -- as tasty and chewy as a 100 Grands, but with less caramel and a bit more chocolate like the Crunch bar.  A glorious treat! (269 calories)

(3) Twix (Mars): While there is probably less actual product in this bar when compared to similarly sized junk food, the fact that there are two little bars in each package (FOUR in the King size!) fool me into thinking I've had a bigger snack every time.  Chocolate, caramel and wafers... the winning combination in just about every candy bar on this list.  And best of all?  The least amount of calories per serving compared to any of the others that are still manufactured today - but just barely. (220 calories or 110 each)

(4) Whatchamacalit (Hershey): The older (and still surviving) distant cousin of the Bar None, this is a delightful little candy bar.  While similar in many ways to Bar None, this one swaps rice for nuts and regular rather than chocolate wafers.  It also has a little bit of caramel that is not in the Bar None... otherwise, exactly the same.  Come to think of it, most candy bars suffer from 'Taco Bell' syndrome: mix the same six or seven ingredients around a bit, slap it in a different wrapper, and Presto! -- brand new product. (222 calories)

(5) Snickers (Mars) / Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (Hershey): I really don't like ties, especially in a short list like this one, but I simply couldn't decide which one of these bars I prefer over the other... despite the fact that they are just as completely different from each other as they are from the rest of this list!  On the one hand, you've got a super-filling chocolate bar with peanuts and full of that chocolaty fluff like a 3 Musketeers bar, on the other you have a peanut butter filled chocolate disc of goodness.  Both have their places (Snickers makes a great snack, while Reese's - especially the many holiday varieties - are a great treat when you're packing on the spare tire for winter), and both are simply yummy.  (Yeah, I said it: yummy!) (Snickers: 270 calories; Reese's: 260 or 130 each).

The truth of the matter is that I don't eat nearly as many of these little morsels as I used too... although still far more than I should.  I think my cravings come in chocolaty waves...but that doesn't mean they aren't empty calorie sinks!  It's probably a good thing that the top two bars on my list are simply unavailable to me or else I'd be even chunkier than I am now.  Mmm... now I want a chocolate bar.  Dang it!

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top Five Foreign Films: 2000-10

I know that seems like a pretty restrictive category, but you'd be surprised how easily it was to fill this category!  My increasing enjoyment of foreign films over times means that SO many films that qualified for this category, that I simply had to narrow it down to a year range.

(1) Lust, Caution (2007) - This is an amazing film by Ang Lee.  Set during WWII, and specifically during the Japanese occupation of China, this is a movie about love and espionage.  An absolutely brilliant movie, and possibly one of my favorites of all time. 

(2) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) - Another brilliant film by Ang Lee.  This is an epic tale that combines Lee's amazing use of character driven drama as well as breathtaking cinematography and some of the most 'graceful' kung fu you'll ever see.  This is the movie that changed my mind about "reading" foreign films rather than waiting for them to be dubbed...

(3) The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (2009) - The only 'Western' film on the menu (and the first of the trilogy), this is a fantastic departure from your typical formulaic crime thriller.  I now have the books on which the movie trilogy is based and have all three in my reading cue.  A great story with original characters.  What more could you ask for?

(4) Red Cliff (2008) - This movie is a portrayal of the Battle of Chi Ben (Red Cliffs) which occurred at the end of the Han Dynasty.  This is a sweeping epic film that blows across the screen in a way that only John Woo could have pulled off.  Beautiful and surprisingly thought provoking, it combines some of the best elements of large action films, such as Troy, a pinch of traditional mysticism, and the grace and cinematography of other great Chinese films like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  One of the best parts for me, is the inclusion of Tony Leung Chiu Wai who plays Zhou Yu, a much different character than the intimidating Mr. Yee in Lust,Caution.

(5) Ip Man (2008) - I think of this as the 'kung fu' version of Lust, Caution.  The setting is identical and the costumes and scenery are very very similar; although the story, of course, is waaay different.  This is a martial arts movie with a LOT more soul than the typical fare.  It is a lot of fun to watch, and all the visual elements are in place to ensure that this is a delightful immersive experience.

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top Five Action Movie Quotes

Sometimes the only saving grace for an action movie are the memorable (sometimes laughable) one liners that someone quips right before the explosions start going off.  Of course, the best action movies give you the full package of a great script, a solid plot and some great eye candy -- I think most of my picks below fit that bill.  After giving it a little thought, here are some of my favorite action movie quotes:
 
(1) Tombstone: "So run, you cur, run! Tell all the other curs that the law is coming.  You tell 'em I'm coming, and Hell's coming with me, you hear?  Hell's coming with me!"
 
Who didn't get a chill when a steely eyed Kurt Russell barked his little speech at the cowboys as he chased them out of town.  Was there any doubt in anyone's mind that there was some serious ass kicking on the horizon?  This was a brilliant set up with a perfect delivery.  One of my favorite hero monologues ever: simple, but to a razor sharp point.  Love it.  Probably my favorite Kurt Russell flick, too.
 
(2) Army of Darkness: "Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the gun."  And, of course "It's a trick.  Get an ax." 
 
Army of Darkness has got to be one of the most quotable cult favorite movies of all time.  Ash is so frigging blunt, but absolutely hilarious because no one would actually say the things he says even when the moment is perfect to say them.  I couldn't decide which of these two was my favorite quote from that movie, so I went with both of them.  We'll call them 2a and 2b...  I love these two quotes because Ash is able to see through the eye rolling plot devices of most action/horror movies and cuts right to the chase: he with the biggest gun wins; and better to be safe than sorry.  Good stuff.
 
(3) Serenity: "Hell, I'll kill a man in a fair fight, or if I think he's gonna start a fair fight.  Or if he bothers me.  Or if there's a woman.  Or if I'm getting paid; mostly only when I'm gettin' paid."
 
Jayne is one of the most memorable characters in the Serenity/Firefly series because, like Ash in Army of Darkness, he's just so damn straightforward and honest about what he's thinking.  He doesn't hold anything back, and has a surprising amount of introspection when he's doing it. 
 
(4) From Dusk 'Till Dawn: "If you try to run, I've got six little friends; and they can all run faster than you can."

Clearly this is a guilty pleasure flick, but some of the one liners in this movie are fantastic.  Clearly the opposite of the blunt one liners in some of my other favorites, this movie is filled with clever dialogue gems.  But what else do you expect from a film written by Quentin Tarantino?  He is one of the masters of the truly forgotten art of action movie monologue... although he can overdo it at times.  I really wanted to pick one of his gems from Inglourious Basterds, but I haven't seen it enough for the dialogue to stick with me, yet. 

(5) Sudden Impact: "Go ahead, punk.  Make my day." 

Dirty Harry is the iconic anti-hero, and one of a handful of roles that only Clint Eastwood could have pulled off so successfully.  This is just one of those classic catch phrases that always sticks with you -- the 'good' guy just begging for an excuse to bust a cap in the villain.  Great stuff.

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top Five "Odd" Albums on My IPhone

I've got several albums on my IPhone that I listen to on my daily commute (along with several weekly podcasts).  Sure, I've got my traditional staples of Jazz, Classical and even some Pop from the late 90's just like most folks my age.  Some of the more... eclectic works I listen to on my way to work, however, are as follows:

  

(1) ABRAHADABRA (Dimmu Borgir) - No, I'm not generally a heavy metal fan, and no I don't worship Satan.  But for some reason, I really dig this album.  If the cast of the video game Doom and a couple of those old dinosaur monks from The Dark Crystal kidnapped James Horner and Stephen Soudheim to force them to collaborate on an album dedicated to the life and works of H. R. Giger, you'd come pretty close to what this album sounds like.  Personally I was sold as soon as I heard tracks #1 (Xibir), #7 (The Demiurge Molecule) and the magnificent #3 (Gateways).  No, it isn't for everyone; and yes, like most heavy metal albums several of the tracks in between the better works are fairly interchangeable (i.e. you wouldn't be able to tell that you'd moved on to another song if there hadn't been a pause between the tracks), but I do enjoy this album.

(2) Contraption Vol. 1 (Beats Antique) - Almost entirely instrumental, this is a bizarre little album.  If you could drag the steampunk movement out of Victorian England and drop it into the orient, I think this is the music those folks would be listening to.  I find most of the songs on this album very lighthearted and freeing... unlike some of the darker undertones of the album above.  Grab your favorite belly dancer and give this one a listen.

(3) The 13th Hour (Midnight Syndicate) - Ok, I'm pretty sure that this album was put together for the sole purpose of creating mood music for a haunted house.  In fact, that's why I bought it!  But I do enjoy the moody tracks on this album regardless.  If you skip the creaky doors, occasional wolf howling, and the rattle of chains, this could be an interesting album just to sit back and listen to... which I do.  I mean, how often do you get to insert a grandfather clock bonging away the hour during a cool atmospheric tune, right?  Yeah, it's weird, but I like it.

(4) Best. Concert. Ever. (Jonathan Coulton) - Without trying to insult him, I think of Coulton as a modern day Weird Al Yanknovic... with actual musical talent.  Unlike Weird Al, of course, Coulton is writing his own music and isn't ripping on the work of someone else.  Coulton's music is just good fun.  From Ikea to Skullcrusher Mountain to my favorite, Re: Your Brains, Coulton weaves fun little stories with a great sense of humor. 

(5) Portrait of an American Family (Marilyn Manson) - Yeah, once again, I'm not generally into alternative metal, and am not generally a big fan of Manson either, but I do like this album.  One thing I generally do NOT get hung up on when I'm listening to music is lyrics.  I guess I'm more of an instrumental kind of guy -- give me a decent tune, and I'll listen.  Hell, if I listened to the actual lyrics of most music, I probably wouldn't have Dimmu Borgir in my playlist at all!  (Although, admittedly, who can really tell what the hell he's saying?)  But unlike all the rest (except Coulton), it's actually the lyrics in this album that turned me onto it in the first place.  There is some fascinating introspection going on in this collection of songs, and the lyrics are the most important part.  Say want you want about the bizarre antics of Manson, but the man is much deeper than pancake makeup and a vinyl/latex bodyglove.  There is some real art going on in this album, and I dig it.

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top 5 Spoof Movies

(1) Airplane:Without a doubt, this is one of THE chief 'spoof' flicks of all time.  Although I have only suffered through two of the actual airport/airplane movies that inspired the spoof (and one of them only halfway through), I have seen Airplane two dozen times if I've seen it once.  The whole thing is absurd, but it was given FAR more attention to detail than most of the crap that is cranked out today.  I mean, let's face it, how much time and effort was put into the ENTIRE Scary Movie franchise after the first one met with lukewarm success?  Airplane is a FAR superior movie than any of the more recent offerings.  A great script with some classic gags.  Good fun for everyone.

(2) Young Frankenstein: Although it might be a tiny bit of a stretch to call this a spoof movie, I think this Mel Brooks masterpiece counts.  Perhaps this is actually more of an homage than a spoof, but it clearly plays off of the same stuff that put Lon Chaney and Boris Karloff on the Hollywood walk of fame.  While this is a very silly movie, the quality of the comedy in this film is far superior to some of Brooks' later offerings.  When compared to Spaceballs or Robin Hood: Men in Tights, there simply IS no comparison...  Young Frankenstein is the superior film by far.

(3) Monty Python and the Holy Grail: A spoof, or just a reason for the Monty Python gang to skip around with a pair of coconuts?  You be the judge, but I think it qualifies.  This is a classic silly movie that every geek knows by heart... or at least remembers really, really well.  If you haven't seen this hilarious movie, then your mother was probably a hamster... and your father stank of elderberries.  Although this film can feel a bit long at times (all Monty Python movies have some slow spots), the individual scenes are worth it.  How else could you possibly get ALL of those scenes linked into a single movie?  From killer bunny rabbits to the black knight to Zoot and the Castle Anthrax...

      "Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet 
      compared to yours.  We are but eight score young blonds 
      and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a 
      half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!
      Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, 
      making exciting underwear...."

...this is just an all around hilarious movie that shouldn't be missed by anyone.

(4) Blazing Saddles: Another early Mel Brooks film, this one was an irreverent eye opener in its day.  Playing on themes of racism and covering toilet humor in ways that simply hadn't been tapped into before, this was debasement of the silver screen at its finest.  Funnily enough, when compared to the schlock of today, or even of some of Brooks' later works (again I'm looking at Spaceballs and Robin Hood,) this is a far superior film.  Although not quite as enjoyable as Young Frankenstein overall, there are probably more memorable one liners from this film that are more often quoted.  "A black sheriff?!"  Need I say more?  Great stuff, and a deflation of the wild west genre that was sorely needed.

(5) This is Spinal Tap: This was the film that launched the Christopher Guest mockumentary series of movies that include some pretty hilarious offerings, including: Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, Waiting for Guffman and For Your Consideration.  Of course, this first one was actually directed by Rob Reiner, but did include several cast members that were in nearly all of the later script-from-the-hip movies, including Ed Begley, Jr., Harry Shearer and Michael McKean.  Spinal Tap is a hilarious exploration of the stupidity of the hard rock movement of the '70s leading into the hairband '80s.  Everyone is stupid, and the script (which included a LOT of improvisation - as all of those great later movies do) was so funny because of its authenticity.  Brilliant work that spawned several equally (usually) brilliant works.  My personal favorite of the group is Best in Show, but they all have a lot to offer.

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top 5 Rock Anthems

I don't often speak or write about music, but as I was listening to the radio the other day, I kind of realized that the true Rock Anthem is kind of a dying (dead?) art form.  I'm not a concert goer, but doesn't everyone love the big sound, and easy repetitive celebratory lyrics of a good rock anthem?  I mean, what the hell else are you going to sing as a celebratory mob after your team wins the big game?!  (After the obligatory school song, of course...)  Here are my top five:

1) We Are the Champions (Queen): This one says it all -- we are the victors because we kept on fighting until the bitter end. To me, this is the epitome of 'celebratory' music, and an easy tune to get stuck in your head forever. Of course, Queen had a LOT of hits like that, but this one stands out as a true 'anthem.' 

2) Eye of the Tiger (Survivor):  Come on, who doesn't love this song?!  It's about that driving spirit deep within us; that animal source we have to tap into for those last few strides at the end of the race.  Am I the only one who, as a child, thought the name of the movie Rocky WAS Eye of the Tiger until he was ten? 

3) Back in Black (AC/DC): It's a tough call for me as to whether or not AC/DC's Back in Black or Highway to Hell is the superior anthem, but I give this one the nudge for the underlying 'revenge' or 'survivor' theme to it -- I mean come on, he's out of the noose, on the loose, and he's rounded up the frickin' posse!  That's a little more threatening than simply driving around without stop signs or speed limits. 

4) Livin' on a Prayer (Bon Jovi): Bon Jovi, along with Springsteen, Seager and Mellencamp (among others) are the consummate rock story tellers. While this isn't a list about story telling music, I think this one still satisfies the criteria, and allows me to keep my ravenous childhood self from slapping me upside the head for not including Bon Jovi in this list in some way, shape, or form.  While this song is a little more... desperate than some of the other choices, the message is still celebratory: we're going to make it because we're almost there and luck has already gotten us this far.  A good driving beat with a great fun chorus.

5) Born to Be Wild (Steppenwolf): This is that classic, feel good, 'don't mind me, I'm just going to raise a little hell over here for a while' tune.  Love it or hate it, you will NOT get this song out of your head once you've heard it.  Probably a little over played and over used in advertisements over the years, it has knocked some of the wind out of the sails of this one, but I think it still works. 

There are so many honorable mentions that I had to sort through to get to this top five that I couldn't possibly name them all, although I will give you a smattering of some that really wanted to beat the crap out of Steppenwolf for that final slot: Cum on Feel the Noize (Slade), We Will Rock You (Queen), We're Not Gonna Take It (Twisted Sister), Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple), Rock You Like a Hurricane (The Scorpions), Rock and Roll all Nite (KISS), Cherry Pie (Warrant), Best (Tina Turner), Once Bitten, Twice Shy (Great White), Enter Sandman (Metallica), Invincible (Pat Benatar), Dream On (Aerosmith), and so, so many more...

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top 5 Steven Seagal Movies

Ok, so most people probably can't name ONE top five Steven Seagal film (especially if you're not a dude), but I'm a sucker for ridiculous action movies.  And if you want a ridiculous action movie, then a Seagal film is exactly what you're looking for.  Unfortunately, I'm of the opinion that Seagal really hasn't done anything "good" since the mid nineties -- not that it hasn't stopped him from filming one, two, even THREE films a year for the past decade.  You can only recycle the same character so many times, and it's a good thing to "grow" as an actor and try on a different persona every once in a while... especially when you're "growing" as a person... so to speak.  But hey, if he believes he can still pull off the role of a semi-retired [circle one: Explosives Expert, Hit Man, Secret Agent, Commando] from the [circle one: Navy Seals, Special Forces, CIA, NSA, Russian Mob, Ultra Secret Government Organization] that is still the best at what he does/did, despite recently hitting the 60 year old mark and having tipped the 350lb mark somewhere around the time Lady Marmalade and Enrique Inglesias' Hero were the only things playing on the radio... well, you just go for it, man.  I'll close one eye, squint with the other, and pretend to suspend disbelief long enough to get through the entire film.

1. Under Siege: My first exposure to Steven Seagal was probably his best film.  (Of course the down side to that is that I've been more and more disappointed with his work ever since.)  The good thing about this movie is that we essentially have a washed up, ill-tempered commando that pulls off a Die Hard scenario where there is simply no way to get away, and bad guys all around.  His sidekick is a playmate (fun fact: Erika Eleniak, in addition to being an actual Playboy Playmate, was the "pretty girl" in E.T., although she was uncredited for her role), and he gets to do all kinds of cool aikido slap fighting, which is also fun.  Throw in some decent one liners, a cool setting, and some awesome veteran actors to play off of (Tommy Lee Jones, and Gary Busey), and it was no wonder that this (essentially) B movie was a hit.  Good fun, and still a blast to sit through.

2. Above the Law: This is the first movie that Seagal starred in and instantly launched him into action movie stardom.  A corny little flick, to be honest (as 90%+ eighties films are), this is a cop revenge film where Seagal goes off the reservation to take down some gangsters -- all of which are, of course, white and wearing the same stupid looking blazers ALL action movie bad guys wore in the eighties.  Seagal's character was the unholy trifecta of cop, CIA operative and former Special Forces Vietnam-vet -- and he has essentially played this same damn role in every movie ever since! This was a fun film, and Seagal was an instant action/martial arts film hit.  If you want to see Seagal in a movie where he actually looks like he can perform deadly martial arts, then this is the film to see (although he was still in his late thirties at the time).  It probably helped that there were plenty of film veterans in this one as well including rising star, Sharon Stone, and declining star, Pam Grier.

3. Under Siege 2: Not as good as the first one, but still good fun.  Interestingly, Seagal plays off of two young actors in this film that would go on to have impressive acting careers of their own several years down the road: Katherine Heigl and Morris Chestnut; as well as several B-movie/television-bit-part veterans: Eric Bogosian, Everett McGill, Brenda Bakke, and David Gianopoulos to name a few.  Unfortunately for Siege 2, the cat and mouse scenario is not nearly as convincing (?) as the one in the first.  Like the ridiculousness of Passenger 57, Segal is essentially hiding from armed gunmen in a long narrow tube.  Why couldn't a squad of 20 people manage to check all the baggage compartments in all of the cars is totally beyond me, but apparently there are just as many believable places for a person to hide in a moving train as there are in a flying 747.  (Whatever...)  Unfortunately for Seagal, this was the last film he starred in that would make it to the movie theaters until 2010's Machete, as all of his work thereafter went straight to video.  Technically he received top billing in Executive Decision that released a year later, but his role was essentially a cameo -- it was really a Kurt Russell vehicle, not a Steven Seagal film.

4. Out for Justice: I have always kind of thought of this movie as Above the Law II.  Seagal plays pretty much the same guy in this one, albeit in a slightly different scenario.  There isn't much more to say about it than that, unfortunately, except that there were a few other names in this movie you might recognize, including bit role favorite William Forsythe, Jerry Orbach (playing essentially the same character as he did in Law and Order), and the ever demure and eternal bad girl, Gina Gershon.  Still a fun movie on a short list of "good" Seagal films.

5. On Deadly Ground: Although I have always wondered what on earth possessed Michael Cain to star opposite Seagal in this flick, I have to say that he added an element of credibility that would otherwise have dumped this film into the same preachy wastebasket as many of Seagal's films tumble into (I'm thinking of The Patriot and his ultra forced scene of soldiers in full MOPP gear picking flowers on a hillside in particular).  The message of this film isn't just "save mother earth," but Seagal even ends the film with a point blank, in your face, 'news conference' where he says just that: oil is bad, let's save the planet.  It's not that I necessarily disagree with his message, but it is just hit SO HARD in this film, that it often feels like a public service message with an action film squeezed in the middle.  The pedantic theme aside, there is still good fun in this film as we see Seagal run around the film in a native-esque leather jacket (with full fringe and bead work), cracking skulls, and shooting his infamous Colt 1911 at better armed bad guys as he becomes the hero of the native Alaskan people... despite not being an indigenous Alaskan native.  (Incidentally, Seagal's Alaskan native love interest in the film, the character Masu, isn't a native Alaskan either; she's the famous veteran Chinese actress, Joan Chen!)  Yes, it's insulting to the native people of Alaska; yes, it is a pedantic "message" piece rather than a credible film; yes, the over-the-top violence coupled with it's poorly delivered message makes bona fide environmentalists a little antsy; and yes, it's preachy nature is probably why most of his films thereafter went straight to video; but dammit, I still enjoyed it!  I just can't explain it, but I still enjoyed this movie.  It's a moral train wreck, but still worth a viewing, in my opinion.  Other than Michael Cain, this film also has notable appearances by Billy Bob Thornton, R. Lee Earmey and John C. McGinley (you know, the mean doctor from Scrubs). 

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top Five Black and White Dramas

Ok, this may seek like a stretch, but it will make sense.  There are plenty of classic black and white movies that I enjoy, and far too many to make 'Black and White' a Top 5 category in itself.  Can you pick your Top 5 color movies?  Of course not... you'd be picking some of your favorite movies of all time, and that's just too difficult when you love movies as much as I.  So, as carved up as I dare to make it, below are my top five dramas that happen to be in black and white:

(1) Othello: Not just any version of Othello, but the brilliant version filmed by Orson Welles in Morocco (and Venice, Rome and some other places, but mostly in Morocco).  In many ways this was filmed like many independent films are today.  Shot over the course of three years (1949-52), this film was started and stopped several times due to production difficulties -- including the financial backer going bankrupt in the first year of filming.  In many ways this was a white whale that Welles just had to finish, and it appears to have been very personal to him.  Anyone that knows the Shakespearean masterpiece understands that this story is much about race and gender.  What is interesting in this film is the way that it appears that Welles acts out Shakespeare's concerns by simply not paying attention to those issues!  Welles plays the Moore in black-face, and Desdemona is merely window dressing instead of one of the driving forces of the original.  The duplicity is interesting, and the inventiveness of Welles in his cinematography is fascinating as he slowly overcomes production difficulties.  I'm not doing this story justice, but this is certainly one of those movies that has just as interesting and twisted back story as the story of the film itself, and armed with that knowledge it only adds to the haunting atmosphere created in the film.  A beautiful and creative work.

(2) Les Enfants du Paradise: In English, Children of Paradise, this is a fascinating movie.  Filmed in France during the Nazi occupation of World War II, this movie takes a fictional leading lady (Garance) and then has four historical figures fall in love with her, all meeting her, by chance, at around the same time during the French period of Enlightenment (mid 1800s): Baptiste Debrue - the mime and artist, Frederick Lemaitre - the actor, Lacenaire - the gentleman thief, and Count de Montray - the high society nobleman.  There are so many themes woven into this movie (which was originally split into two parts because of the restriction of feature length movies to be limited to 90 minutes running time), that it would take me several typed pages to explore them all.  Let me just say that this movie takes all of those basic human themes of love, freedom, society and morality and throws them all into the mix.  It is a story about chance, about the fickle nature of life in general, our impassioned failings and our most dubious achievements as human beings.  It is about dealing with the desires we have in life and yet understanding the responsibilities we have to other people and the difficult balancing act that realization entails.  It is a beautiful story about the essence of man, and despite it's three hour running length, is an enthralling film to read... er, watch.

(3) To Kill a Mockingbird: Do high school kids still have to read this book?  If not, they should, or they should at least be required to sit down, watch and then discuss this film.  This story, originally given to us by Harper Lee, is an essential tale informing us that even though we may not succeed, we must always do the right thing.  There is no life lesson more difficult than the realization that the good guy doesn't always win, and that sometimes injustice will be carried out by the majority.  This is an essential tale because we are forced to ask the question: if we don't stand up to do the right thing, even when we know we will loose, what chance do we have as a society?  Someone must stand up, and we must recognize that courage... despite what side of the issue we stand.  Gregory Peck's performance in this work, as Atticus Finch, is as heartbreaking as it is noble and courageous.  A great and timeless movie.

(4) Les Diaboliques: In English, The Devils, this is a classic 1955 thriller (often referred to as a horror film) that is simply timeless.  This is the story about two women - a wife and her husband's (unwilling?) mistress - who conspire to murder the abusive man that they both despise.  If it wasn't in French, you'd swear this was a Hitchcock classic, and is sometimes even reported to have heavily influenced Hitchcock's own Psycho - which I can totally see.  This is one of those classic cautionary tales about all of the things that can go wrong when you plot evil deeds, and it is a fascinating story.  There have been several imitators after the fact, and at least one remake of the film (Glen Close's Fatal Attraction, and Sharon Stone's Diabolique, respectively), but the original, in my opinion, is still the best.

(5) 12 Angry Men: In contrast to To Kill a Mockingbird, this is the story about what should be happening behind closed doors in our justice system.  Unlike Mockingbird, here a persistent man who is willing to stand up for what is right actually can bring about the right solution because he is tenacious and he refuses to allow the 'wrong' to prevail.  Sadly, this movie is, in my opinion, not nearly as realistic as Mockingbird, and is what we wish our fellow man would do for us when our own necks are on the line.  The theme, of course, is the same: stand up for what is right and do NOT give up in the face of overwhelming odds.  As Edmund Burke put it so succinctly: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."  This film inspires the hope that while we may see many Mockingbirds in our lives, occasionally, if we continue to stand, we can inspire the action of 12 Angry Men.  Or something like that...

Buzzard's Top Fives

Top Five Podcasts

With an extremely long commute, I happen to listen to a wide variety of podcasts.  These are my current, consistent, favorites:


(1) The Drabble Cast: This show calls itself a weird podcast of weird stories from weird authors for weird listeners, and they are not wrong.  The show host, Norm Sherman, is reliably hilarious and clever, and is frankly the reason I started listening to the show in the first place -- he guest hosts a lot of the short story podcasts I listen to, and his episodes, whether reading or just hosting, are always the most enjoyable.  The subject matter of the stories varies greatly, but always have an odd and intriguing twist that make them compelling listening.  I recommend this podcast to just about everyone as the stories are really a lot of fun, are often quite humorous, and there is always something for anyone.

(2) Life After the Cover Save: Officially a "40k" podcast, this is really nothing more than excuse for a bunch of former college buddies to sit around and tell fart and dick jokes while poking fun at one another.  What guy hasn't sat around like this with his buddies?  While stupid and trite on its face, the openness of this group really sucks you in and makes you feel a part of the group.  Equal parts witty and offensive, I find this show a good listen and a great way to blow off steam.

(3) Escape Pod:  I love science fiction, and this podcast is dedicated to short stories of that genre.  The good thing about that particular medium is that it can dabble in fantasy, drama, historical fiction, and horror and still stay true to form.  The stories in this cast are great fun and consistently of a very high quality.  While its sister casts (Pseudopod and Pod Castle) are also great, this one is by far my favorite.

(4) Doug Loves Movies: Comedians and movies, what a great combination!  Centered around Doug Benson and his infamous 'Leonard Maltin Game', this is a weekly show where Doug invites three people to come onto the stage at the UCB theater to play a movie guessing game really similar to the old game show, "Name That Tune."  Instead of betting on how many notes from a song it will take to guess a tune, however, in Doug's version you guess the name of the movie based on the number of cast members (from the bottom - last billed - up) he reads to you and from hints out of Leonard Maltin's review of the movie.  Only about a third of each show is actually dedicated to the game, with most of the show revolving around the (usually) hilarious conversations between the host and his guests.  Good fun -- although I can very rarely guess correctly.

(5) A Prairie Home Companion: Ok, so yeah, Garrison Keillor is probably better geared towards my father's generation... or perhaps my grandfather's generation, but I still really enjoy listening to Keillor's stories.  He has a very compelling way of sucking you into every story about his fictional home town in Minnesota, and I enjoy how he weaves in nods to great literature, folk music and life lessons.  A modern day Aesop, there is something in his stories for everyone.

Buzzard's Top Fives

With all of the movie reviews on my site, I thought it might be appropriate to think back and make a list of some of my favorite movies of all time.  The problem is that I can't come up with a list number long enough to capture them all!  So, I'll break this down by genre... although that will still be difficult.

Top Five Science Fiction Movies

(1) Bladerunner: Let's face it, this movie is sheer poetry in motion.  There are lots of movies that use clones and robots to address the question of what it means to be human, but I think Roy Batty summed this one up better than any that I've seen since: "I want more life, fucker."  Or, perhaps the more poetic (and G rated version) of the same key realization: "All those... moments will be lost in time, like tears... in rain."  Still brings a tear to my eye.  This may possibly be my favorite movie of all time.

(2) The Matrix: I think Neo described this one best: "Whoa."  Every once in a while a movie comes along that changes the way that other films of its genre are done... this is one of them.  This was a brilliant film when it came out, and it is still a brain twister today.  This movie begs us to question what we have accepted as reality.  Is there a more important message than that?  A great film.

(3) Brazil: I'm a fan of a good dystopia, and one that pits man against the machine of government is even better.  Terry Gilliam did a brilliant job with this film, and it will always remain one of my favorites.  Must we always toe the line to be good citizens?  Do we have to keep following the rules when the results are grinding innocent people in the gears?  This movie shows us not only the dangers of a massive government machine, but the heroics sometimes necessary to keep the machine in check, and the inevitable results when dare to take action.  A great film that begs the question: when up against the machine, can love really conquer all?  Good stuff.

(4) Aliens: Like The Matrix, this Riddley Scott film, Alien, simply broke the monster movie mold and showed us that there really could be something dangerous going bump in the night.  While I almost put Alien in this list, I went with the James Cameron follow up instead.  Aliens isn't as ground breaking, but I did find it more fun overall.  And, in true Cameron style, we come to terms with the fact that there really could be something out there that we can't handle, and it really is scary and dangerous, but as Ripley puts it: "You know Burke, I don't know which species is worse.  You don't see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage."  Ouch, Mr. Pencil-Pusher... I think she has a point.  Perhaps we really are out own worst enemy.  A good movie.

(5) Serenity: In the same vein as Aliens, I didn't put this one on my list because it is particularly groundbreaking, but out of sheer sentimentality.  The television series Firefly was aborted due to the same moronic ass-spelunking that makes us question our own nature towards self-annihilation in Aliens and is bound to grind us all into dust in Brazil.  I think Whedon was channeling Batty ("I want more life, fucker.") when he put this amazing film together to reward fans dedicated to the short lived series, and I can't applaud him enough for the effort.  The characters in this movie/series are simply fantastic, the movie itself was beautiful, and the concept goes way beyond the boring formulaic drivel that television executives keep crapping out for us to consume.  I'm sure you'll see these characters emerge again if I get to a Top Five Television Programs, but until then, this will have to suffice.  Yeah, Mal hit this one on the head: "The way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'till some idiot killed it."  May all the Fox television executives that were dumb enough to kill that series suffer from incurable burning hemorrhoids for the rest of their days.

Honorable mentions: The Fifth Element, Pitch Black, Dune, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Predator, and, of course, Alien